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“It’s fine.”

This is my friend Shelly’s mantra. No matter what happens, no matter how angry she is, she automatically says “it’s fine.”

She doesn’t mean it.

I know she doesn’t mean it because although she’s always smiling, she’s simultaneously nitpicking and complaining about little things that really don’t matter to her very much.

Shelly complains constantly but she considers herself a non-complainer.

Why?

Because she never complains about the stuff she really cares about. All the hurts, conflicts, and hard work that appears to go unnoticed – she swallows.

And swallows, and swallows, and swallows.

While Shelly looks happy on the outside, inside she feels frustrated, lonely and trapped.

I have another friend, Erica, who swallows nothing. “Venting” is her go-to when it comes to the things that bug her. She thinks she draws energy from it, she thinks it makes her feel better.

It doesn’t.

I know it doesn’t because Erica is always unhappy with her life and no amount of venting has ever changed that.

Shelly and Erica are about as different as two women can be, yet they’re equally unaware of the role complaining plays in the how they feel about themselves and their lives.

What’s a complainer to do?

If you can relate to either Shelly or Erica (or both), let go of the self-judgement – EVERYONE complains.

In fact, research shows that most people complain about once per minute during a normal conversation (crazy, right?) and all of that complaining has a significant impact on us.

Here’s what it does:

• As with all things in the brain, through repetition it becomes a default. (Meaning the more you complain, the less you notice that you complain.)

• Research for Sanford University shows that complaining also shrinks the hippocampus, an area in the brain that’s key in problem solving, spatial reasoning and intelligent thought.

• On top of that, it increases cortisol in the body, which in turn raises blood pressure and blood sugar. (yikes)

So how do you stop?

This Week: How to Stop Complaining – A 7 Day Challenge

1. Figure out what kind of complainer you are:

Suck-it-Up-Buttercup – My friend Shelly is an example. SUBs hate conflict so they swallow most personal injury/injustice. (Interestingly, when it comes to protecting others, they’re exactly the opposite.) They also hate asking for help and have a hard time accepting help when it’s offered. Complaining about little/nitpicky things is a way of getting the attention or support they’re subsequently lacking.

Vent-Girl – This is Erica. VGs love the camaraderie and energy that comes with a good old-fashioned b*tch session. The problem is that all that negative energy has a cost, and as soon as the session is over, they end up feeling worse and even more exhausted than when they started. This creates a craving for the temporary high that venting delivers and the cycle continues.

Depends on the Day – Most of us can fall into either category depending on the day. If you can relate to both types above, chances are you’re a DOD.

Knowing how and why you complain will give you the insight you need for the next 2 steps.

2. Decide how you want to show up:

Jot down all the attributes of your best self and get into the practice of pausing several times each day to choose to show up that way.

In addition to personal attributes like kind, funny, loyal, etc., consider adding “someone who asks for and allows herself to fully receive love and support” to the list. 😉

3. Decide how you want to feel:

The way you outwardly show up is only half the battle. In order to truly shift your default, your inner thoughts are going to need to be on board as well.

Try leaning into gratitude and taking a bit of time each day to celebrate your accomplishments (even the tiny ones).

4. Challenge yourself!

For the next 7 days, commit to steps 1-3. Let us know your complainer type in our Happy After 50 FB group! Be sure to add the hashtag #stopcomplaining to your comment 🙂