ASK, DON’T TELL

If there ever was a time to speak up and support what you believe in, this is it. 

In fact, the policies and norms of our culture and community depend on it.

Voice and opinion matter because they form the rule of law – and the rule of law changes based on the loudest or most powerful voice of the day.  When the voice changes, the rules change. 

So yes, your voice and opinion have power – they are important.
But what if we want more than a change of the rules?

If we sought to come to an agreement about what is good, what is right, what is honorable – wouldn’t life get better for everyone?

Of course it would.

Only in this scenario, it’s not how loud you shout your opinion or the power of your argument that are important. 

What matters here are the questions you ask, and the degree to which you are willing to respectfully hear the replies.

This Week: Lighting Tiny Fires

Somehow we’ve been duped into believing that the way to change someone’s opinion is to give them our own.  You’ve probably figured out that this rarely (if ever) works. 

Whether you’re hoping to influence your teenager, a colleague or your father-in-law, you’ll need to open yourself up first.

Try this:

1.  Imagine that you’re opinions are a delicious stew for which you’ve carefully selected each ingredient.  The stew becomes richer as it simmers.  Occasionally, it even grows more flavorful when just the right ingredient presents itself and is added.

2.  Each time you’re about to engage in a conversation that triggers one of your opinions.  Envision it simmering away – knowing that while it does, you can explore new ingredients without diluting the stew one bit. In fact, it will always be there, ready for you to serve.

3.  Once you’ve let your stew simmer, you can forget about it for a bit and ask the other person about theirs. The question “What do you think?” when asked out of complete curiosity and without judgement is sure to offer insights that trading opinions never does.

4.  Listen carefully, intently, respectfully.

5.  If you disagree, asking more curious questions will give you an opportunity to find common ground even if the result is that you still disagree on the issue at hand.

This approach will grow trust, respect and harmony, even in relationships where little existed before. And in lighting these tiny fires of insight among us, we know for sure that the changes we create will stick.