SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO FIND GRATITUDE
“Whatever you do, it will ultimately end in death.”
This is what my husband tells me when I’m stressed out and looking for reassurance. It makes me crazy. I want to tell him that if he keeps it up, death will be visiting him sooner than he thinks.
Instead, I roll my eyes and keep plugging away at whatever I’m working on.
He’s offering perspective, and I get that.
When I was little, my dad used to have me imagine how insignificant my troubles would look if I were to view them from a telescope on Pluto.
That didn’t work for me either.
Finding a new angle on what’s happening around you is a challenge when you’re in the middle of it. When you’re scared, lonely or grieving it’s pretty damn hard to find gratitude or perspective.
And that’s what they’re doing, these men that I love. They’re finding a way to look at the world that’s different than the obvious experience of it.
It’s their way into gratitude.
Their perspectives just don’t work for me. My coping method has always started with the same thought, “It’s ok.”
I remember the first time I thought it.
I was 4 years old and at my nursery school graduation. Lined up on the stage in front of our parents with diplomas in hand, each child was given a gift. The boys got American flags, and the girls got enormous crepe paper flowers on long wooden dowels.
Only I didn’t get one.
I was mortified. I can still feel the lump in my throat and the tears welling up, but I knew that crying on stage would only make me feel worse.
“It’s ok,” I told myself, “Mommy and Daddy, Grandma Annie and Boomps are all right there. And I have this (the diploma came in a folder with a class picture) – at least I have this. It’s ok.”
And it was.
Someone eventually noticed and I got my flower, but ‘It’s ok’ turned out to be a much bigger gift.
No matter what happened from that day forward, I could breathe in, say “It’s ok,” and then find other things around me that felt ok.
Just like Paul and my dad, I’m finding another way of seeing what’s going on that’s different from the obvious, but also 100% true.
And that’s the key.
It has to be true (or at least plausible).
Shining up something crappy doesn’t change it. It just makes it shiny. Gratitude isn’t a fake-it-till-you-make-it practice.
IT HAS TO BE REAL.
And that’s the cool thing about perspective – everyone’s perspective is real to them. Once you understand that, it’s just about choosing a perspective that serves you – about focusing on the one that allows for gratitude.
When Paul thinks “all roads lead to death,” (and he really does say that aloud) it doesn’t dishearten him, it allows him to let go of worrying about the outcome and feel deep gratitude for the moment he’s in.
When things feel horrible and I think, “It’s OK,” it automatically makes me think about all of the things that make that statement true – and those things, I have no trouble being grateful for.
The bottom line is that there are times when it will be damn hard to find gratitude.
That’s normal.
And maybe sometimes you’d rather just sit where you are, even when that feels bad – that’s ok too.
But when you don’t want to feel that way…
When you’re ready to move on…
When sitting where you are no longer serves you…
Know that there is great peace in gratitude and that gratitude is only a shift in perspective away.
This Week: REAL Thankful
Please don’t force yourself to be grateful this week if you’re not feeling it. Instead, try noticing what perspectives allow you to embrace a moment of peace, or joy, or of simply being.
You can use the mindfulness tools you’ve learned here to help you find your way back into the present moment.
As for me, I’m truly grateful to have you all in my world.
So, I’m sending you a little meditation to use when you’re feeling stressed or disconnected, I hope you’ll feel the love and energy I’m sending along with it.
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