ASK FOR WHAT YOU REALLY WANT

The story I’m about to tell you begins just short of a year ago and concerns my daughter’s much loved cat, Cocoa.  

Lilah was getting ready to head off for her freshman year at college. Wanting to make the most of her “last summer,” she went out with her friends every chance she had. We barely saw her.

Cocoa took to hiding Lilah’s flat iron.

The flat iron being the last thing Lilah touched any time she walked out the door, we think the cat assumed that hiding it would keep her home.

It didn’t.

Lilah and her new flat iron left for college in August.

While she was away, Paul and I would listen to the recordings she sent from her ensembles (she was studying jazz vocals) and Cocoa would stretch up to get close to the speakers.

When Lilah came home for Thanksgiving she brought with her a boyfriend who, unfortunately for Cocoa, is allergic to cats.  

Cocoa peed on the bed to welcome him.

In spite of the bumpy start, on subsequent visits, Cocoa and Lilah fell into a new rhythm. The cat would snub her a bit at first, and then Lilah, ever snuggling, would win her back over.

Enter COVID.

Lilah was home, and it was like time reversed itself. No boyfriend or flat-iron –  no going out at all.

The girl and her familiar spent long, lazy days stretched out on the sun porch with stacks of books and piles of blankets. They balanced together on the arm of the sofa watching TV and paced around the living room, Lilah on the phone, Cocoa at her heels.

Once again, they were inseparable.

Then last week, Lilah was invited to vacation at a quiet beach house with her boyfriend’s family.  She pulled her giant yellow duffel from the closet.

Cocoa took off.

Here are a few things you need to know about Cocoa:

1. She rarely ventures outdoors, and then only to the back deck.
2. She absolutely hates strangers and avoids them all costs. 
3. She comes when you call her and will do anything for a treat.

We searched the house.
We searched the yard.
We searched the neighborhood.

Nothing.

I was standing on the sun porch madly shaking a container of treats and wondering if Lilah was having any luck when a commotion next door caught my eye. Three young guys were attempting to finagle a huge piece of furniture up over their front porch railing.

And there she was…curled up on their porch, in the middle of all that chaos, of all those strangers, head down in a sleeping position.

But Cocoa wasn’t sleeping, she was looking right at me.

The clever beast had run away from home and selected the one place where we were sure to see her.

I get it.  

We humans often behave the same way, leaving a trail of clues or setting up little tests and puzzles meant to communicate what we want.  

We trick ourselves into believing that others should already know what we’re trying to say and get hurt and frustrated when they don’t.

These coded messages build false evidence about the world around us, confirming our worst fears over and over.  They get in the way of our relationships and create artificial barriers to the things we most desire.

This Week: Put Away the Secret Decoder Ring

You may not even be aware of the places where passive-aggressive behaviors get in your way. 

The 5 steps below will help you tune in and start shifting:

1. NOTICE when you feel disappointed by a person or a circumstance.  

2. Pay close attention to any EXPECTATIONS you have for how the person should behave or how a situation ought to turn out.

3. RELEASE any blame or judgement that you’re holding.

4. BE HONEST about how you feel. If there’s something to confront, or a boundary that has been crossed, be careful to separate the person from their behavior when you address it.

5. LISTEN fully and look for common ground.