A SIMPLE APPROACH TO GETTING WHAT YOU WANT

When I was 10, my great-grandmother asked me, “If you’re supposed to me so damn smart, why in the hell do you act like such an imbecile?”

She never really appreciated my zeal for the theatrical.

And until recently, I never appreciated the simplicity of her wisdom.

How you behave every day – or as I like to say, how you “show up” ultimately defines who you are in the eyes of others. AND has a major impact on the outcomes in every area of your life.

The crazy thing is, the majority of people I’ve come across don’t show up the way they intend to most of the time.

How do I know?

Over the years, I’ve asked over 1,000 women to create a list of adjectives that represent who they really are. 

In other words, how they would describe the best version of themselves – the one that is most aligned with their values, their natural inclinations and at the same time, pushes against their individual edge.

Here are the most common words I’ve gotten in response. In fact, over 95% of the women I’ve talked to use at least half of the words on this list to describe their best selves.

They are:
Strong
Happy
Loving
Good listener
Smart
Adventurous
Excited
Loyal
Empathetic
Caring
Funny
Open-Minded
Creative

Here’s where it gets interesting…

Without exception, areas in their lives where these women felt the least satisfied were the areas where they reported that were less likely to intentionally show up in the way that they listed as their best self.

For example… (Client names and exact situations have been altered to protect privacy.)

Mary said, “No matter how hard I try, I can’t connect with my teenage daughter.” 

She reported that her best self was loving, empathetic, open-minded and a good listener. 

When asked how she shows up in conversations with her daughter, Mary realized that while she always showed up as loving, she rarely exhibited empathetic, open-minded or good listening behaviors when she was worried about or disagreed with her daughter.

Lisa said, “I just want someone to love me…someone to laugh with over the little things that happen every day.”

She said that at her best, she was funny, loyal, empathetic, strong and loving. 
Asked to what degree she thought she brought those qualities into her dating life, Lisa admitted, “Very little. I’m so afraid of getting burned that I feel like I need to test men first, to make sure that it’s safe for me to show them who I am.”

Susan “already had it pretty good” – everything was just as it was supposed to be. House, family, career…she had checked all the boxes and really liked her life for the most part. “…but I’m just not happy,” she said, “shouldn’t I be happy?”

Excited and adventurous were attributes close to the top of Susan’s best-self list. 
When was the last time she had created a sense of wonder or adventure in her life?

You guessed it.  Not for decades.

The bottom line:
Strong is as strong does.
Happy is as happy does.
Loving is as loving does.
Good listener is as a good listener does.
Smart is as smart does.
Adventurous is as adventurous does.
Excited is as excited does.
Loyal is as loyal does.
Empathetic is as empathetic does.
Caring is as caring does.
Funny is as funny does.
Open-Minded is as open-minded does.
Creative is as creative does.

And remember stupid is as stupid does?

That’s right, the same principles hold when we show up behaviorally least in alignment with our best selves as well.  

This Week:  Happy is as Happy Does

How are you showing up every day?
Start by making your list of adjectives. These are the words you’d use to describe your best self – the ones most aligned with your values, your natural inclinations and at the same time, that push you up against your edge for growth.  

Ask yourself how often you show up as your best self. A good indication would be whether others would use these same words to describe you.

Pay close attention to situations, relationships or areas of your life where you’re least satisfied.

• What list of adjectives would you use to describe your behaviors in those situations?

• What actions would be more in line with your best self list?

• Experiment.

As always, let me know how it goes!