I was a superstitious kid.

Any clock reading 55 past the hour felt like a secret message that everything was going to turn out great for me that day.

Five was my favorite number.

I’d try not to gloat as we drove down the highway passing sign after sign – 55mph. My brother had chosen his favorite number poorly, as there were none that read 33.

In those days, God was my Magic Eight Ball.

Whatever I needed to know, I’d look up and ask, “yes, or no?” and then flip a nickel (because it was 5 cents).

Tails was always my choice for the answer I wanted and if it didn’t land, I’d reframe the question and flip again until I was satisfied. 

This was the only way I could get the information I needed. Adults, obviously, couldn’t be trusted to tell the truth.

Even worse, sometimes they’d avoid my questions entirely.

My Grandmother, for instance, would only reply in her trilling 1930s singing voice.

“Que sera, sera, whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera…”

Infuriating.

That song has recently wormed its way back into my life from the most unlikely of place imaginable.

My husband.

Paul found a version of it with a guitar riff he digs and has been playing it non-stop in our basement all week.

At 54, the lyrics have a completely different effect on me.

Maybe it’s because you can feel this version down to your toes (you can find it here on my Spotify playlist) – but I don’t think so.

I think there’s something to it after all.

One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned is the importance of pursuing my goals, hopes and dreams all while remaining completely detached from any specific outcome.

I always wanted essentially the same things; to be happy, to be loved, to be secure, and to be good enough at something that I was respected for it.

I have all those things – and continue to work toward them every day – but none of them look anything like my nickel predictions (thank God).

What would happen in your life if you continued to pursuit your goals without the burden of needing the exact outcome you’re pointing them toward right now?

What if, like me, you get everything you want but it looks completely different than you originally expected?

Would that be so terrible?

Que sera sera.