Is Being an Empath a Good Thing?

I was listening in to the conversation at the table behind me.

It’s not that I was purposely eavesdropping – just trying not to zone out on my phone while I waited for Paul to arrive – and my ears simply picked it up.

It was the word empath that grabbed me.

I hear that word a lot.

I’ve always considered myself an empath and know many other women who also identify with the term.

If you’re unsure, it basically means being super tuned-in to the feelings and emotions of others.

It’s mostly a good thing, being empathetic, but in my 54 years of living as one, I’ve discovered that it has some pitfalls.

The obvious, and most talked about, is how easily we can be drained by other people’s emotional energy – more on that another time.

This conversation (the one I was listening in on) was highlighting one of the least talked about pitfalls of empaths, and it comes down to two words…

WITH and FOR

The magic of empathy is that we’re feeling WITH another person vs feeling FOR them (that’s sympathy). Unfortunately, in the midst of all that emotion, it’s easy to lose the distinction.

And those two little words make a HUGE difference in our relationships.

If I’m feeling sad with you, you feel heard and held.

If I’m feeling sad for you, you feel pitied and maybe even judged.

If fact, anytime I feel something FOR you, I rob you of a bit of your self-efficacy.

When it comes to relationships – especially with the people we love most – feeling FOR them can quickly turn into an attempt at FIXING them.

Here’s what that looks like:

Empathy (with)
becomes sympathy (for)
then turns into an opinion about (how)
someone (other than you) should or shouldn’t (fix) their life

In case you’re wondering, the statement I heard coming from the booth behind me that inspired this post was…

“You know me, I’m an empath. It breaks my heart. So, I told her, ‘That’s too much to bear! You can’t let him treat you like that. You need to stand up for yourself. Just march into his office and…”

WITH turned into FOR and became an OPINON about HOW someone else ought to FIX her life.

So, what’s an empath to do? Ask don’t tell.

Instead of, “That’s horrible! You should…”
Try, “Oh no! I’m sorry that happened to you! How can I help?”

Instead of, “That happens to me all the time. What I do is…”
Try, “How are you feeling about that? What do you think you want to do about it?”

The crazy thing is that we all actually DO have how to solve our own stuff – we just need a safe and loving space to figure it out.

And empaths…when we’re at our best…can really deliver one.